Wednesday, 26 January 2011

I'm Starting to Hate My Own Generation

I have just been watching Channel 4's latest in a long line of ridiculous programmes. It's called "The Joy of Teen Sex" and seems to have been commissioned entirely to please perverted old men. I say this because I know for a fact that no teenager will take it seriously because, being teenagers, they will think that they KNOW IT ALL. It contains the following:
  • Three 'experts'; A doctor who talks about STDs, a social worker who talks about personal problems and a blonde woman with bad roots and a victory roll whos entire roll seems to be pulling dildos out of a massive box and giggling whiles saying things like "Use lube. Lube makes everything more fun." Saucy look. "Trust me."
  • Actors acting out sex acts. In incredibly horrifying detail.
  • Vox pops from people describing their 'sexcapades', asking questions and discussing embarrassing problems.
  • A horrifying 18-year-old 'Teen journalist' called 'Billie'.

Seriously. I've spent the past half an hour furiously researching her, trying to establish how exactly she is a "teen journalist", like what credentials she has, and found that she has a MySpace, a Twitter, a Facebook and a Blog. She probably also has a Bebo but Google doesn't take that seriously. After a lot more effort I found out that she also writes for a horrifyingly over-trendy and hipster-ish magazine called Vice, of which I have seen one front cover and two pages of their website and it made me want to gouge my eyes out and set every vintage shit-stall on fire.

Examples of Vice Readers: Hipster Pricks

In the first episode she was looking into what people do to their genitals to make them appear nicer; namely Vajazzling. And we all know that Vajazzling is a tacky trend with a tackier name but it's each to their own, really. She went with this 17 year old who was getting a vajazzle and as she was getting the necessary bikini wax (she went for Hollywood, a bold choice) Billie was stood there with an expression that was simultaneously so gormless and appalled that I wanted to smash my television. She also watched a guy get his cock pierced which was, admittedly, horrifying.

It wasn't her expression that annoyed me the most, though (although it was pretty fucking annoying), it was the way that she was harping on in such a sanctomonious fashion, acting as though this girl might as well walk round with a "Free Sexual Favours" sign on, just for having a bikini wax and a bit of glitter dropped on her Vag.

This week Billie was researching glamour models and pole/lap dancers. She basically spoke down to every woman that she met, assuring them and the viewer that she would never do either job unless she had exhausted all other opportunities. In the same breath she said that she didn't think that Glamour Modelling was anything dirty or seedy (which I don't feel many people do any more, really) and that every man who had ever read Nuts or had a lap dance is a crazed pervert who constantly masturbates and wants to fuck every single pole dancer he gets near.

One girl that she was talking to was being very pragmatic as she talked about the "menu" of different dances they did at the club. She was studying for a Psychology degree, said that she loved dancing for the fitness benefits and the enjoyment she got from it, as well as the pay she recieved- up to £250 in one night. As she was discussing this, "Teen Journalist Billie" interrupted saying "But doesn't it feel dirty, knowing that you're dancing for a man who just wants to fuck you?". I doubt "Teen Journalist Billie" actually listened to the dancer's reasonable and well-considered response. She was probably too busy mentally congratulating herself for using the word 'Fuck' in an interview; that's just the sort of thing hard hitting "teen journalists" do, isn't it?

The only moment of satisfaction I got from watching any of "Teen Journalist Billie"'s segments was when she asked a glamour modelling agent if she could make it in the industry. Taking Billie's portfolio of moody, pouting shots he immediately told her no; she looked too fucking miserable.

"Teen Journalist Billie" is basically the epitome of every stereotype of teenagers that I have come to know and hate. Miserable, pouting and wearing too much eyeliner she strops around doing a job she isn't qualified for, sulking at people and sharing opinions that, if they are her own at all, are ill-thought out and not particularly considered. As far as I can tell all teenagers are currently suffering from the same disease; assuming that they know it all. I just hope they're embarrassed when, in two years' time, they realise that, actually, they know fuck all.

1 comment:

  1. Vice get some good opportunities to visit interesting places and events, but they screw it up with a purposeful lack of professionalism dressed up as "quirkiness" or whatever. I don't watch TV much because- like everyone else- it just makes me angry. Good post though.